


Taking the blame

by Aces_and_Roses



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Ancient Rome Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Guilt, honestly i just wrote this as catharsis for myself but y'all can have it i guess, mostly just mentioned but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:47:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23167225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aces_and_Roses/pseuds/Aces_and_Roses
Summary: It wasn’t Sasha's fault; it wasn’t anyone’s. No one was to blame.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 27





	Taking the blame

It was Zolf’s fault that Sasha was dead. He’d left her, after all, abandoned her in Prague at the very moment she’d needed him the most. He hadn’t even thought about it, hadn’t considered the damage his absence would do, hadn’t even taken a second to remember the promise he’d made her just a day before (‘as long as you’re with me, you should be fine’). He’d just left. Left her to get worse, for the disease to get worse. He’d just left her to die.

What kind of friend _did that_?

And sure, he may not have been much help in the state that he was, but if he’d just stayed... If he’d just stayed, then maybe he could have done something, anything, to help. But he hadn’t, and now Sasha was dead.

He’d left, and she’d died. His fault, simple as that.

* * *

It was Oscar’s fault Sasha and Grizzop were dead. He was their meritocratic contact, after all, he told them where to go (in theory), he’d encouraged them to destroy the factory, had insisted that he was fine when he very much wasn’t. He was the one who’d been so sleep-deprived that he hadn’t even realized the rest of them were gone, that they were in _Rome_ of all places, until Grizzop told him. He was the one that let Grizzop leave, go after them, without even attempting to find a better way to help than just steering him toward a rag-tag group of Harlequins.

If he’d just been stronger, if he’d just been _better_ , if he’d just pushed through the sleepless nights (and days, and weeks) he could have saved them. But he hadn’t. He’d been weak, and they’d suffered for it.

What kind of friend _did that_?

(Who was he kidding? He wasn’t their friend.)

He’d failed, and now they were dead. Of course, it was his fault.

* * *

It was Hamid’s fault Sasha and Grizzop were gone. He hadn’t been able to figure out a different way to save their families from that other plane, after all, had simply trusted that Eldarion knew what she was doing, that whatever it was would get them all back safely. Even though Sasha had been so uncomfortable, so obviously distrusting of her, he’d gone along with it anyway. He’d been desperate, so focused on getting Ishaq back that he hadn’t been thinking clearly. Not that that was any excuse.

He hadn’t even been suspicious when Eldarion seemingly miraculously came up with a way to transport more people than the spell would allow. It had been stupid, so blindly trusting.

If he’d just come up with a better plan, if he’d just been more clever, they would still be with them. But he hadn’t; he’d rushed in headfirst without considering the consequences, and Sasha and Grizzop had suffered for it.

What kind of friend _did that_?

He couldn’t fix it now, not when the world was such a mess.

(He might never be able to.)

He hadn’t thought it through, hadn’t been good enough to come up with a better solution, and now his friends were gone. It was his fault, all his fault, and nothing would change that.

* * *

It was Azu’s fault Sasha and Grizzop were gone. She’d let go, after all, let Grizzop’s hand slip from her grasp, let him fall away. If she’d only been faster, held on tighter, been _better_ , she could have saved him (could have saved them both).

And she’d been the one so desperate to go to Rome in the first place, hadn’t she? She’d pushed so hard, insisted they leave right away, gave them no time to prepare. Really, it was a miracle Sasha had even survived long enough for Azu to lose her during the planar shift. She’d just been so focused on Emeka that she hadn’t considered the consequences.

And not only that, but she’d left Grizzop behind, left him to deal with everything himself, all while the cult had taken someone just as precious to him.

Her actions had hurt them both.

What kind of friend _did that_?

There was nothing to be done, she knew. No way to turn back time, to change what had happened. That didn’t mean it wasn’t her fault it had happened in the first place. The best she could hope for was to fix it.

She hadn’t been good enough, and now they were gone. Her fault.

* * *

Sasha had a long time to think about what had happened. All the little things, all the big things, all the reasons she’d ended up where she did.

A lifetime to consider all the things that had gone wrong.

A lifetime to consider all the things that had gone right.

Because she liked where she was, now. She helped people, helped kids like her. She kept them safe, kept them from going through everything she had, gave them a home, a family.

She’d had a lifetime to think, and she didn’t regret how it had turned out.

That wasn’t to say she had no regrets at all; in fact, she had quite a few. She regretted leaving them behind, Hamid and Azu and Wilde (and Zolf, even though he hadn’t been around in the end). She regretted Grizzop’s death, that she hadn’t been able to save him. She regretted that she’d never be able to see the rest of her friends, her _family_ , ever again. She regretted that she’d never truly be able to know if they’d gotten through everything okay.

But just because she regretted it, that didn’t mean she blamed herself. It wasn’t her fault; it wasn’t anyone’s. None of them could have predicted what was going to happen, and that meant that none of them could have changed it. No one was to blame.

Knowing the rest of them, though, they wouldn’t see it that way. They may not say it aloud, they may not admit it if asked, but they would blame themselves, and that was unacceptable. So, she decided to change it.

Just as she’d had a lifetime to consider what had happened, she’d had a lifetime to consider a solution to this problem, to consider all the possible ways she could get a message back to them, to tell them it wasn’t their fault.

A lifetime to consider what to say. A lifetime, but still not enough.

* * *

There was a message carved into the wall of an ancient ruin just outside the outskirts of Rome, practically dripping in preservation spells, written in a language that wouldn’t have come into being for centuries after it was written. A message that had puzzled archaeologists, puzzled _everyone_ , from the very moment of its discovery. Everyone but the four who stood in front of it now.

_I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault._

_Sasha_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at redactedquill if you want to come shout at me for this


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